Touched by an Angel?

In 1973, the world was formally introduced to Reagan, a youthful, lively girl by day--hideous priest killing, pea soup spewing, head spinning, potty mouth demon by night.

Since the early days of 1842, when our ancestors could walk on all fours and communicate by grunts, the issue of demonic possession has been on the top of the list of discussion topics next to the weather and celebrity gossip. It has plagued minds, and caused many-a-night terrors. The image of the stereotypical flaming red satanic creature with horns and black wings has been the object of fear, loathing, and scary religious people trying to entice you into their beliefs. But what happens to someone when they are possessed, and even an exorcism and gallons of blessed holy water cant stop the madness?? Well, pal, insanity ensues.

The devil possessed can wreck havoc with all sorts of serious shenanigans, horseplay, and funnybusiness! A normally composed and decent man of high morals can become the ultimate hoodlum under Sir Lucifer's watch. The lives that this unstoppable force interferes with can turn into lives filled with anguish, despair, melancholy...and any other synonym of the word "sad" that I could find on thesaurus.com.

But another question must be posted to the civilians out there, that as of yet, has not. Something that may parallel the bedlam that demonic possession causes. Something we all should thoughtfully address and talk about at your next family meeting. What becomes of someone possessed by...an angel?! "Gee Wilikers!" you say? Well, yes-those sweet little cherubs with rosy cheeks you just want to pinch like your creepy uncle does at family reunions. The ones in your fairytale books and wildest childhood dreams. Those pure little beings made of innocence, hugs, sunshine, and marshmallows. But these special winged creatures are better left in your fairytale books and nightly prayers, since when they mix with some people, its anything BUT angelic for the rest of us.

Angel Possession probably occurs more often than that other one, and can go virtually undetected because YOUR too busy enjoying those scrumptious scones your neighbor, Jane made for you for "just being you" (An angel made her do it) or those little punks that teepee'd your house on Halloween with Charmin double-ply toilet paper, the extra soft kind (Yup, they were possessed by angels too). I mean, can human beings REALLY have that much kindness and good will in our hearts without there being some underlying reason? No! Simply because the human race is the epitome of douchebaggery. You might be saying "How bad can angel possession be? It causes people to be happy and do nice things for each other. I wish everyone was possessed by an angel, blah, blah, BLAH!". Well you sir, or ma'am, need to get your head outta the clouds, cause theres about to be a thunderstorm called a reality check!

Too much angel possession can be the downfall of our race. There HAS to be a limit on the amount of cheerfullness and harmony one can endure. There must always be some a-holes, pessimists, sarcastic smart alecs, and stoic unemotionals out there to balance the mix, or else, we'll all be having a bowl of rainbows for breakfast, riding unicorns, swimming with pretty mermaids and skipping off into the sunset. Thats when we know all hells gonna break loose.

How many times have you felt absolutely miserable only to be overwhelmed with the excessive smiles, giggles, and all around chipperness of an angel-possessed colleague? When they say a smile can brighten up anyones day, "they" obviously dont know the old saying "Misery loves company". Admit it, your down-in-the-dumps self YEARNS to see another solemn little fellow to grieve with about the craptastic occurences and mundane reality of everyday life.

How many times have you felt the need to tell off an annoyingly happy aqquaintance with "No, darnit, the glass is not half full, its empty and shattered you fool!"-or- "Its not sunny and mild outside nerd, its freaking drizzling and chilly!". Maybe it was..."No, I dont want to attend your stupid neighborhood potluck and mingle, let me eat my dinners alone in the dark, just how I like!" And ofcourse, "No i refuse to engage in your insufferably upbeat small talk and peppy banter". If your nodding your head in sympethetic approval, you friend, have been badly affected by an Angel Possession, which is happening to over 20 million people worldwide, and its time to bring those angels down!

Now enough ranting, lets look for a solution. Lets erase the stigma attached with getting perky people help...and lets face it, excorcising an angel wont work! Angels practically frolic in holy water for fun! No we need REAL medical help.
Do you know what its like to be around these people? Its pretty f-ing annoying man. Thankfully though, the FDA has recently approved a prescription pro-depressant called "Angelo Repelento", which is Spanish for Angel Repelent. This all new, all safe drug will reduce a series of unbearably gleeful symptoms that come with angel possession such as:


- Squeeling loudly when a friend calls
- Participating in Community Theatre
- Beaming at anyone who makes eye contact with you
- Personalizing nameplates
- Greeting someone by pointing at them like this (see goofy drawing left)

- Use of trendy phrases such as "coolbeans" and"uber"

- Flailing of arms when excited

- Chatting up the people around you while waiting in line...and mucho more.


The results are stunning, as of the latest test run. It will take all those excessively jolly and festive people who love doing productive, social, and mentally stimulating things like group nature hikes and pottery class, and turn them into real, normal people who read only the comic section of the newspaper, order useless stuff online, sit on their butts eating cheetos and watching re-runs of Rock of Love, go days without human contact, sleep all the time, and basically go about everyday life in this steady pace.




Max (right, pre-Angelo Repelento) "I was always making eye contact with people and striking up fun chit chats with anyone who held my gaze for more than 5 seconds" he says. "Nothing could bring down my chipper moods".



We recently met former angel possessee, Max Weinberg. Thanks to Angelo Repelento, he believes he is 100% rid of his angel counterpart. As we enter his home, we notice his scraggly beatles tshirt with Ringo missing, and his unwashed, touseled hair. The blinds are drawn tightly, "Too much sunlight makes me wanna hurl" he says. He leads us to his living room, where we are greeted by his pet turtle, Mo. "I used to have a dog, but that mutt was always jumping around and wanting to go out and stuff. We'd go to the park and he'd call all this attention to us. Thats where I also used to meet up with my now former park buddies and we'd go for a latte at the cafe ole'. Mo is so much more chill, and we like to stay in most days. I hate cafes and unwanted attention now, by the way, and hugs", Max tells us with a shiver. He recently quit his job as a customer greeter at Kinko's, and now works as a part time paper seller at a local company, Dinder Mufflin. "Yeah" he says impassively. "The days go by, I like my cubicle. No one bothers me, its like I have my own shell, just like Mo".

Max (left, post Angelo Repelento) "This miracle drug taught me life can't really be lived with massive amounts of enthusiasm and social charisma like I had before", he says with a simple shrug of the shoulders.