Movies such as Childs Play used to force me to sleep in my parents bed where it was safe as a kid. Nowadays, if i catch this movie on TV I start asking myself, why the hell is this doll stronger than a grown adult? And what stupid toy company thought a doll with ugly red hair and a creepy face was marketable?
A good example about how much I critique scary movies was when I went to go see My Bloody Valentine in 3D. The whole time my friends and I were turning to each other laughing and saying "Was every character in this movie hit on their f***** head as a baby?!". I'll confess I had more fun watching the reactions of other people in the theater, saying "It's like its right there in front of you" more than watching the actual movie. At one point I actually got angry at how many times people tripped or lingered around as a friend got murdered with a pick axe. I mean, if someone is chasing you with a pick axe with the intent of killing you with it, be a little more coordinated is all I ask. And why is it that the murderer is always WALKING after his prey, who in turn are running like wild baffoons, but still manage to not escape? If your running at top speed, and some guy is casually strolling along after you, one would think you have some chance of successful escape, right? Is that too much to ask??
I did gain some helpful tips after watching horror movies though and here they are for your conveniance: What to do when your in a horror movie situation (note that reverse psychology is being used here as I know its human nature to try to be a rebel without a cause. So please, feel free to rebel against these tips...or um, don't)
1. Never check the back seat of your car before you go anywhere, just in case theres a man hiding back there in the dark crevices with the ultimate goal of bludgeoning you.
2. An old abandoned mine shaft where a man once went on a killing rampage is most certainly the optimum place to throw a wild rave for you and your friends.
3. When your all alone in a grocery store at night and a man is inside trying to kill you, go ahead and barricade yourself inside a room with windows that have bars on them and no other way to escape if he manages to find a way in, which he will, inevitably. Don't think twice about exiting through the front door when you have the chance, oh no.
4. Be utterly surprised and shocked whenthe guy going around town dressed as a copycat of the mine shaft killer is the same guy who ten years earlier was almost murdered in said mine shaft by said mine shaft killer. I mean, even though the evidence was all there in front of you, how could you put two and two together? Its insanity!
5. Dont bother securing a murderer in a coma in some super high tech, 24 hour security prison... just place him in your normal, run of the mill hospital room so he can suprisingly wake up on the anniversary of his massacre and kill everyone on the floor.
6. When a crazed lunatic finds a way inside your conveniantly unlocked house and is trying to brutalize you, DONT run out of the door onto the street where help and escape can be readily available. Instead, run UP the stairs and go hide in a closet or something.
7. Oh hey, whats that you got there? Wow, some dusty looking black book from the 18th century filled with strange voodoo chants that are supposed to awaken ancient evil spirits? Go ahead, read them...out loud...invite your friends over and make a party of it.
8. When you spot the dead bodies of your friends on the floor of a mine shaft and a mysterious man is standing a few feet away with his back towards you, DO try to gain his attention and draw closer. Dont take it as a sign to get the hell out of there.
9. And lastly, when running for your life through a darkened forest, always make sure you trip over some random unknown object so the man with the pick axe can take full advantage of your clumsiness.
In conclusion, scary movies can be such a hoot to watch. Watching stupid people loiter around at night when a killer is on the loose or investigate a strange noise in the dark will always help in reminding oneself that they know better.
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